Broken. Space.

December 2, 2016

 

Have you ever had the feeling like you were missing something inside?

 

It's strange to feel this kind of pain. I can feel the tear of connective tissue when my Achilles broke. I can feel the empty space...and when I listen...I can feel the sadness inside my body. I feel broken. I feel the space. I feel the gap that wants to be holding together like two hands reaching for life, reaching for love. I see mirrors within myself to the world. Mirrors to my relationships, mirrors to the what's happening in the world right now. Connection, broken.

 

I spent a whole day on the phone making sure all the steps were in line, to make all my procedures would be covered by insurance. I think I did it right? It's not something I'm accustomed to doing. It's weird to ask for help and even more strange to spend money when people are confirming what I already know to be true.

 

I mean, I know my body, it's mine right?

 

It's strange. People see me...I mean, they see the broken me. Crutches and splint. I get that look...you know that look. The “I'm so sorry for you” look followed by “you poor thing.” I don't resent it, in fact, I find it intriguing. My loss of physical freedom brings up so much for others. I've heard more injury stories in 3 days than I have in 35 years. It makes me laugh.

 

I'm glad my healing creates sharing and healing for others. I'm more glad it opens the door for people to feel okay with how they were vulnerable at one time, or realize they loved their body more in the past than they do now. I realize something only nurtures your awareness further.

 

So each night I set a resolve or Sankalpa “I am fluid, I am safe and healed.”

My intention is to be a reminder of the water within that holds my spirit and houses more wisdom and healing then I can even imagine.

 

I really do love my body. I can say that after so many years of hating it. Even last week I felt angry at it. But right now. Today. I love my body. I'm sad for it's loss, it's empty space and longing for connection. I am thankful despite it's hardship that I am still safe. I'm still strong. I'm still me.

 

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