Morning the day before surgery

December 4, 2016

 

I woke up today after a solid night’s rest. Still not taking anything for pain, only unwrapped my splint when it felt like it was suffocating my ankle. I got my period too. At one point last night my cramps were way worse than anything I've felt since I tore my Achilles. It's a good reminder of just how strong my body is, just how tolerant.

 

After all, it's been 35+ years of my body being tolerant of my actions. I've spent so much time neglecting it, hating it and defying it's requests. Now that I've worked so hard to mend my body/mind/spirit relationship, I'm faced with this immediate challenge.

 

I'm scared.

 

I'm scared of falling back to a place of self hate. I'm scared of losing my connection and love with my body. I also know that this is all fueled by fear and fear comes from my mind’s creation. Losing full control of me and trusting in another's ability to heal and repair is a HUGE deal. I don't trust easily. If you know me and are reading this, you know just how long it took me to trust you. I'm not really sure where that comes from, though I've had this conversation about trust with my mother and it feels like it is from years before me, from cells that created me.

 

And so I wait…

 

My body is tired from adapting to this new way of getting around. My shoulders, hands, arms and right leg are tired. With the use of crutches, I imagine myself on the parallel bars, harnessing the use of my center to carry and lift my weight along. I'm thankful for having this ability, but can already notice how my body has shifted to accommodate. I sit on the couch and ask my body “do I stretch or strengthen you? Do I massage you or just drink more water? Should I be eating something else or are you fine for now?”

 

I'm not a fan of just sitting here. I'm not a fan of just…….anything. In high school this would've been cool. Getting out of school and getting a chance to do nothing. As an adult, it scares me. What about work? What about money? What about _____, _____, and _____?

Ahhhhh, the layered effect of adulthood. Piles of crap to worry about, most of which deal with past issues and future issues that aren’t even issues. You, know what I mean. As if life hasn't already created enough challenge, let's mind craft more bullshit.

 

So here I sit.

 

Right now: I am in no pain, not even from cramps. My muscles are aware of the new use they've been tasked to handle. My heart misses the people I’d like to be seeing every day. My soul trusts in what needs to happen tomorrow. My emotions are managing each other like the cast of “The Fact of Life.” My mind is surprisingly calm and quiet. I am thankful for the love, family & communities that surround & support me.

 

Think of me tomorrow at 12:30pm, December 5, 2016, when I head in for surgery. Much gratitude and blessings to you.

 

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